Three years ago this week we appeared in family court for the first time, after a year and a half of back and forth intimidation without attorneys. Tomorrow I will represent myself before our judge for the tenth time. For the most part, I would say it gets easier all the time. I know what to expect from our judge. Each time we are heard I feel like she sees the truth and the bullshit for what it is. So why I am in so much pain over tomorrow’s appearance?
I moved to enforce my rights. There was nothing in the original motion that hasn’t already been litigated. Our “co-parenting therapist” tried to tell XN that there was no reason to go to court, he just had to follow the Orders, but no. That would be far too reasonable for a narcissist who doesn’t think that rules apply to him. So several other requests were made, including the unoriginal reduction in child support (third time since the current obligation was Ordered), relieving him of extracurricular fees, and using extended pre-schooling to obstruct my parenting time.
We received a tentative decision last week that floored me. (Read about it) There was in fact, a typo and his support reduction was only reduced by $4 a week, not by 75%. All in all, it’s not much of a loss, but the judge does appear to be letting him off the hook for activity fees and agreed to insurance coverage. We could have avoided oral argument all together by accepting the tentative decision, but no, they have to fight. Why wouldn’t they? This case is nothing but billable hours to XN’s attorney, and with a guy like XN who doesn’t take no for an answer and has a bottomless pit for legal fees, this is easy money. Except that you have to go before a judge and continually have your ass handed to you by a pro se litigant, which I’m sure sucks.
It’s all on my side; the tentative decision, the truth, reality, so why do I feel such anxiety and fear? Maybe because I am nearing the end of my rope. It is harder and harder for me to keep quiet about what a selfish, miserable prick XN is anymore. Our last co-parenting session found me telling him those things to his face with complete abandon and, let me tell you, it felt great.
I’m mostly afraid that I just don’t give a shit anymore. It doesn’t matter what the court says, things don’t change. Family court is like getting on a carousel and expecting to make it to a far off land. It’s hard to understand why I even bother fighting anymore.