self help

Letting Go. No. Seriously. Let me go.

When Aidan came home a year ago asking me if he was a mistake, my heart broke. He continued to ask questions about my marriage to XN. I explained that my pregnancy was a very happy accident, my miracle baby, but marrying XN was a mistake because he didn’t make me happy and we were just not right for each other. He responded with “but Markus is definitely the right person for you. You guys love each other.” Catastrophe averted. Temporarily.

Markus didn’t get to come home between gigs tonight so it was just me and Aidan at the dinner table. I was not expecting “did you marry [XN}] at Greenville?” over our enchiladas. Though he “can’t afford” to pay child support, his family does have a resort style mountain house, complete with mini golf, tennis courts, swimming pool, you know, typical backyard stuff. They had been there for Aidan’s long weekend away. “Why do you ask?” I replied. A common follow up to see what context I am being asked.

It turns out that XN showed Aidan our wedding video. I’m sorry. What?! He proceeded to tell Aidan, a six-year-old boy, that he wouldn’t be here if we had never gotten married. So, let’s process that as if we were Aidan. “My mom told me her marriage to XN was a mistake. XN tells me that I am only here because of his marriage to my mom. Thus, I must be a mistake.”

My stomach dropped, but this time I wasn’t heartbroken. I. Was. Pissed. When I hear that XN and his family have talked about Court or me or Markus in front of Aidan I am upset, but they are ignorant and self-involved, so they probably don’t think they are doing anything wrong. There was nothing but malicious intent behind showing Aidan this video. “Look, Aidan. Look how happy your mom and I were. Then you came along and things got rocky. But then Markus came along and really ruined everything. Remember, I was in the picture before Markus. Never forget that.” (Reminder, XN and I had been separated/divorcing for two years when Markus and I started dating. And FYI, there is a drastic different in the level of happiness in that practice wedding video and the one from three years ago. My family actually smiled three years ago!)

Aidan was hurt and confused and, of course, begged me not to tell XN he told me so he wouldn’t get in trouble. Please. Make. It. Stop. Please make him go away. Please make him stop terrorizing my son. Please make him learn his lesson. ANY lesson. Please let him accidentally step into a Wonkavision machine so we can just wrap him up in a little bag and put him away. Please.

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